I Have a Birthday, Therefore I Am

Today is my birthday. When you are in your fifth decade, this does not hold all that much significance anymore. It is nice to get friendly wishes, but other than that it is just another day, one filled with work and the drive to get more done for the children.

The situation is very different for children who live in institutions. Generally speaking, birthdays and becoming older are more important to children than they are to adults. But for children who live in institutions there is more to a birthday than that. Their birthday and the absence of any celebration have an important impact on their sense of worth and their identity.

In most cases, children living in institutions live as a tiny part of a big crowd. The way institutions are managed is not to look at the individual needs of the children or at their identity, but rather the aim is to operate as a well-oiled, smooth running machine. The children are like items rolling past on a conveyor belt. In this situation it is easy to start feeling lost and worthless. A child’s identity disappears like a drop in the ocean of children around them.

Every day consists of wearing the clothes you are told to wear, not ones you get to decide on yourself; going around in the hairstyle you were given; waking up in a large dorm room between the other children; washing in the large washing facility between the other children; eating your meals between all the other children; getting on the school bus with all the other children, etc. It never ends. You are never just you, you are always one of the group, and are almost always addressed as such, unless you are in big trouble for doing something wrong.

Birthdays form a part of this. Your birthday, the day you came out into the world, and your age are parts of you, of who you are, of your identity. Yet in many institutions, birthdays are not celebrated. Or, if they are it is often done once a year for everyone or once a month for everyone who had their birthday that month. From a management perspective, this is understandable, especially in places where more than 100 children are cared for, the birthday celebrations would be almost constant. However, from the child’s psychological perspective it is very damaging. This, again, reduces the child to being a part of the big group and takes away the significance of the special day.

In a home for more than 250 children, visitors and volunteers who come more than once are constantly confronted by children asking them ‘what is my name?’ The children want confirmation that the visitor knows who they are individually, that they are being seen. Children will also inform visitors of their birthdays, especially if the birthday is coming up in the next month. The child knows that there will not be a celebration or a present, they just want to share this little bit of their identity, of their me-ness with the visitor. To emphasise that they are a person, an individual, they let visitors know: I have a birthday!

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